Female Troubles
by iyaorisha
Summary: Pre-AU S6 body-switch sex farce. When Xander accidentally drinks one of Willow and Tara’s potions, he gets in touch with his feminine side…and Spike.


The Devil's Workshop

By iyaorisha

Timing: pre-AU S6 (say 10 weeks after "The Gift")

Pairings: Willow/Tara, Xander/Spike

Summary: pre-AU S6 body-switch sex farce. When Xander accidentally drinks one of Willow and Tara's potions, he gets in touch with his feminine side…and Spike.

Rating/Warnings: R for sexual situations and language.

Spoilers: None past S5

Disclaimer: None of the BtVS or AtS characters or the world they inhabit belong to me. They belong to Joss and I promise to put them back when I'm done playing with them.

Author's Note: I NEVER would have written this except I was under the influence of the Improv. But yeah, I had fun.

Feedback: Yes, yes, yes! The story is unbeta'd so I need feedback. Brutal honesty is best (I enjoy floggings, I really do), but warm fuzzies are accepted as well.You can post a review here or email me at 

Willow hastily slammed the lid back on the stockpot. Though the contents were barely at a simmer, the infusion of herbs gave off such acrid fumes that her eyes watered. She shuddered at the thought of having to actually down the liquid. "Phew! It's stronger than I thought." She frowned in concentration. "I suppose we could add some blessed thistle to help with digestion."

"And some licorice to sweeten it." Tara suggested. "Do you like licorice, Dawnie?" she called loudly.

"Umm…if its okay with you guys, I'll just stick with Midol." The teen replied from the living room where she lay on the sofa with a heating pad and an avalanche of trashy magazines.

The two witches exchanged a look. "I don't know, sweetie," Tara called back, "If the cramps are so bad that you can't go to school for the third day this week, I don't think a simple over-the-counter painkiller is going to help."

"Plus, this is what…the second time you've had your period this month," Willow added. "Nope, I think this calls for more drastic action." The redhead winked at her girlfriend. "I put a double dose of false unicorn root in this tonic. It'll definitely make you regular."

"Well," Tara stifled a giggle. "It'll make your menstrual cycle regular. But since it's also a purge for intestinal parasites, it might give you the runs."

The nervous swallow from the other room was plainly audible. Willow and Tara shook with silent laughter, fighting to control themselves as the sound of footsteps signaled Dawn's approach. Tara lifted the stockpot's lid, releasing a puff of foul steam just as the teen appeared in the doorway.

Dawn waved her hand in front of her nose. "That really smells bad," she choked out.

Willow nodded sympathetically. "I know, but it's full of good stuff for the female reproductive system." She replaced Tara at the pot and recited the ingredients as she stirred. "I put a lot of wild Himalayan yam in there for the phytoestrogens, plus squaw vine herb, cramp bark, raspberry leaf, and ladies' mantle." Willow smiled, then ladled out a mug full of the bubbling dark greenish brown concoction. Dawn eyed it skeptically.

"I think it would be okay to add some honey to it," Tara suggested.

"Yeah, that helped with the tea I gave you last week when you had the stomach flu." Willow added.

Dawn actually blanched in memory of the tea. Even with a generous dollop of honey, the taste had been so awful that she had no choice but to quit pretending to be sick and go to school just to get away from Willow's doctoring. She backed away from the proffered mug of tonic. "Actually, I'm feeling much better, guys. The heating pad really helped. I think I'll go to school."

Willow and Tara waited until the front door slammed, then they burst into laughter. Willow wiped away tears of laughter as peered at the microwave clock. 11 AM. "I think she'll actually make it to fourth period today," she said with a sigh of relief. "I'll be glad when she gets sick of playing hooky and I don't have to waste time, energy, and herbs this way."

Her girlfriend nodded as she gingerly examined the mug's disgusting contents. "What did you really put in this?"

The redhead smiled. "Everything I told Dawn, just in case she was really having a bad cycle. When I first started practicing magick, Giles insisted that I learn all the medicinal uses of the herbs I used so that I could avoid unwanted side effects. Anyway, this particular combination smells and looks awful, but those herbs are all good for female troubles. Fibroids. Cramps. Irregular bleeding. Very heavy periods. Infertility. Even libido problems." Willow explained, adding proudly. "Add some nettles or yellow dock for iron, kelp for calcium and a dose of this tonic will make anyone feel like a new woman."

"Hmm." Tara murmured, staring at the frothy tonic. Then she pronounced "Hot Chocolate!" as she passed her right hand over the mug. The contents sparkled briefly with a bluish green light before taking on the appearance of rich hot chocolate.

Willow was shocked. "Why did you do that? You hate when I use magick casually?"

"I know. Sorry." The blonde said sheepishly. "But I thought the tonic might not be so bad if it looked and tasted like hot chocolate and I was worried that adding real cocoa might interfere with the herbs." Tara explained. "A temporary glamour won't affect the way the tonic works."

"Don't waste the time and effort," Willow laughed. "Dawn'll never drink it. "

"I didn't do it for her." Tara brought the mug to her lips and took a hearty swig. "Not bad." She paused and took a second sip. "In fact, it's really quite good."

Her girlfriend took the now half-filled mug from her. "Tara! Why are you drinking this?"

"You said it would make me feel like a new woman." Tara said softly.

Willow looked up in alarm. "What's wrong, baby?"

"Nevermind." Tara shrugged. But her dark blue eyes were clearly troubled.

"Uh,uh." Willow leaned forward and put her arms around her girlfriend. "I can tell something is wrong. If you don't tell me, I have to use a truth spell on you," she whispered into Tara's ear. The words were teasing, but there was a clear undercurrent of concern in the redhead's voice.

Tara sighed. "You know I'm happy that we can be here for Dawn now that Buffy is gone." She paused, briefly overcome by grief for their friend and Dawn's late sister, a Vampire Slayer who had recently sacrificed herself in order to stop an apocalyptic event.

Buffy Summers' death had simultaneously saved her friends' lives and changed them forever. The Slayer's grieving loved ones had pledged to fulfill the commitments she left behind: keeping their Southern California town from falling into the complete control of vampires and raising Dawn whose mother had died just a short while before Buffy herself was killed. The strain of trying to fill Buffy's shoes was wearing them all down and took its toll in ways that they had never expected. Like their sex lives.

"It's just…" Tara hesitated, blushing. "Um…I'm probably making too much out of this because it's not the most important part of our relationship, but I miss it and…"

Willow stared at her girlfriend in confusion. "What do you miss, sweetie?"

"Sex!" Tara turned beet red. "We never make love anymore!" she said in a sudden rush.

Willow took a step back. "That's not true, honey." She blurted defensively. "Just the other day…well, okay, it might have been a few days ago…Right?"

Tara was too shy to directly contradict her girlfriend, but she took back the mug of tonic and drained the rest.

The redhead stared at her. "Uh…how long has it been."

"Two months, three weeks, and six days," Tara said softly.

"No! Can't be."

Tara didn't answer. She just snagged a new mug from its hook above the stove, filled it from the stockpot and pushed the mug across the counter.

Willow stared at the tonic. "But, how could we go so long?"

Her girlfriend shrugged again. "Between school and housework, then helping Dawn with her homework and patrolling, there hasn't been anytime."

Willow shook her head. "Uh, uh. We've been busy before and it never stopped us. We always made time."

Tara made a wry smile. "Maybe the problem isn't time."

"What do you mean?

"Well…" Tara stammered. "Maybe, lesbian bed death isn't a myth after all."

"Don't say that!' Willow protested. "It's just that we're tired. That can affect female hormones. Some of this tonic might help." She grabbed her full mug and chugged.

"Feel anything?" Tara asked hopefully.

Willow shook her head. "Nope. What about you?"

The answer came in the form of a single fat tear.

"Oh, don't cry, honey!" Willow crooned, putting her arms around Tara again. When the blonde snuggled closer, her breasts pressing against Willow's body, they both willed themselves to feel desire. Sadly, there wasn't a single spark. They sighed and moved apart slightly.

"I guh…guh…guess all that mmmmatters is that we still love each other, ruh…ruh..right" Tara stammered as she always did when she was upset. Her eyes anxiously searched Willow's face for confirmation

"Oh Tara, I'll always love you," Willow exclaimed and gentle kissed her. "But, baby, remember what I said to Dawn about drastic action. I think this situation calls for it. Just give me a minute." She ran out of the kitchen.

Tara started after her, clearly puzzled. She found Willow rifling though a shelf of books in the living room. Willow held up one in triumph so that Tara could see the spine: A Womyn's Grimoire. "Remember, I got this for a dollar at that garage sale."

The blonde gave her a dubious look. "I thought you were going to throw that out. You said that was all minor love philters and fertility spells. We don't need either of those."

Willow grinned. "No, but I remembered that there was an interesting spell in here for female renewal." She opened to the index and then found the page. "It's kinda like the First Moon chant you do for a girl with late puberty, but more 'I am woman, hear me roar'. I guess they needed something like that after wearing all those men's wear inspired business suits in the '80s."

Tara scanned the spell, then bit her lip. "Willow, that's really powerful."

"Nothing, but the best for my baby!" the redhead joked. She flipped a few pages.

"Look, here's an older spell that covers sexual… um…enhancement. I think we can bind them both to the tonic and make an elixir…"

"I don't know, Will," Tara interrupted. "A few herbs are one thing, but using magick to have sex seems weird. And I think that female renewal spell could actually trigger a second puberty." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "You know, actually change our bodies."

Willow glanced down at her small breasts. "I wouldn't mind that."

The blonde witch was clearly worried. "I'm not joking, honey. What if something goes wrong?"

"Baby, I know you're worried but the second spell already has some safeguards built in. See, it says 'Nor lust ye as ye shan't.' That means you won't feel anything for someone you aren't already attracted to."

Tara still looked dubious.

Willow added. "Plus, we can make it just a temporary enchantment. I really think if we just jumpstart things this one time, we'll get over this hump and be heating up the sheets again in no time." The redhead's voice took on a teasing edge. "Don't you remember how much fun we used to have?"

Tara blushed in response.

It was all the answer Willow needed. "Let's get started."

"One…two…three." Willow counted. At her signal, both young women took a gulp of the elixir. A feeling of spreading warmth and well-being spread throughout their bodies. With rising joy, Tara moved her head forward and brushed her lips against Willow's. The contact was so brief, it was barely a kiss. But the feel of her girlfriend's mouth sent zings of desire through the redheaded witch.

"Oh, Goddess!" the redheaded Wicca breathed. "It's been weeks, hasn't it." She pulled Tara closer and kissed her deeply. But the effects of the elixir were already fading. Temporarily binding two different spells to the tonic was trickier than Willow thought it would be. Obviously, they needed to extend the length of time the magickal elements would be effective.

Two more rounds of the elixir led to increasingly intense, but limited bouts of passion that left the two witches breathless and aching for fulfillment. When tiny increments of time proved difficult to tweak successfully, Willow made a case for stretching the enchantment to twelve hours, a half-day of raging female lust.

"It's Xander and Anya's turn to patrol anyway," the redhead explained. "And I'll call the school to see if Dawn can spend the night at Janice's house. If so, she can go straight to school from there in the morning."

Tara happily consented.

After arrangements for Dawn had been made, the Wiccas joined hands and recited the two spells in unison over the stockpot. The contents briefly effervesced with rosy pink bubbles, then returned to its normal cocoa color. Willow ladled up two more servings of the elixir and took a deep breath. "Here goes!" The girls tipped back their mugs.

The effect was immediate and thrilling. Willow barely had time to set her mug down before her normally shy girlfriend backed her against the counter. Tara's eyes were unfocused and half-closed with desire as she ran her hands over the redhead's body.

"Ohh!" Willow moaned as her nipples hardened almost painfully under Tara's fingers.

Tara's voice was husky. "Your breasts feel bigger, firmer." She swallowed. "I've gotta…" She broke off and simply tore at the ribbon tie at neck of Willow's peasant blouse. The bow loosened and Tara pushed the fabric down so that her lover's chest were bared. As always Willow's breasts were lovely: high, pale globes tipped with dark pink nipples. But now, under the powerful effect of the spell, they were irresistible. Definitely bigger, a full C cup, Tara thought as she bent her head. And the nipples themselves were so erect that they felt as hard as pearls under the blonde's tongue.

Willow felt her pulse racing. Not in her wrists or neck, but between her thighs where it surged in concert with Tara's hungry mouth upon her breasts. She groaned and reached behind to grasp the blonde's rear. Tara always had a nice ass, not fashionably small and tight, but round and high. Sometimes Tara worried her butt was too big, but Willow thought it was sexy. Now, Tara's bottom rivaled JLo and Beyonce's assets. The redhead kneaded her girlfriend's full buttocks for a moment before pulling up her skirt and running her fingers just inside the elastic to caress the satiny skin. "Definitely working!" Willow breathed loudly.

Tara paused in tormenting Willow's nipples long enough to agree. "Mmm. Bed. Now."

They barely broke contact long enough to make their way to the bedroom and lock the door. Laughing, Willow pushed Tara back onto the bed, then straddled her body. The blonde witch wriggled and arched deliciously beneath her. Though buffered by their clothing, the movements brought their pelvises together in brief, but tantalizing contact. Willow moaned as she felt a sudden rush of heat and dampness between her spread thighs. She rolled off and knelt at the foot of the bed while Tara teasingly drew up the hem of her long skirt until her dark blue panties were revealed. Willow impatiently reached out a hand and pulled down the silky fabric. Then she settled happily between her girlfriend's thighs.

The redhead blew gently until the damp toffee colored curls hiding Tara's sex parted. Then she teased her with the point of her tongue, relishing her lover's unique taste, sweet and briny at the same time. Like an exotic delicacy from the sea. The blonde moaned and shifted her legs allowing her girlfriend better access.

Willow offered up a quick prayer of thanksgiving for the elixir before she returned to her joyful task.

Over the past couple months, Xander had figured out that Anya's moods were especially unpredictable on the nights that they patrolled alone. But nothing had prepared Xander for her stalking off in a huff seconds after he staked a newly risen female fledgling. Still sneezing from the cloud of vamp-dust, he went after her.

"Hey, Ahn! What's up?"

She stopped and fixed him with an angry stare. "I can't believe you were making out with that vampire right in front of me!"

"Wha…, huh?" Xander shook his head. "Were we experiencing the same reality back there?"

"You were fondling her." Anya snapped.

"Fondling?" Xander said slowly clearly puzzled.

"You know, your hand was on her breast."

Xander rolled his eyes in exasperation. "I was holding her down so that I could stake her."

"Maybe!" Anya yelled. "But you were enjoying it!" She pointed to his groin.

To Xander's surprise, the crotch of his khaki shorts was tented. "Well…um…that isn't what you think it means." He said weakly.

Anya gave him a skeptical look.

"Ahn, sometimes that happens when guys are afraid. It's a normal physiological reaction to the…um…"

"Breast?" She suggested with derision.

"No!" Xander thought desperately. "The adrenaline! You know, that hormone."

Anya visibly stiffened at the last word. "Just like a human male to try to blame things on hormones." She spun on her heel and marched away, leaving him gaping in disbelief.

Xander knew that it was too dangerous to patrol alone so there was nothing to do, but call it a night. Though he seriously doubted that he should bother to go home. Even if Anya was there, she wouldn't be ready to forgive him yet. It was barely eight-thirty. He might as well grab a brew or two at the Bronze. Reaching the cemetery's main gate and his parked vehicle, Xander remembered that the supply of stakes was growing low. If he didn't replenish them tonight, Willow and Tara might be short during their patrol tomorrow.

Normally, Xander whittled new stakes and did minor weapons repairs at his own apartment. Given his fiancée's current mood, it might be best to work with sharp objects elsewhere. He'd go to Buffy's.

Buffy. Xander felt his grief like a sudden physical weight on his shoulders. In the months since his friend died, he thought that the pain would lessen at least somewhat. Instead each day seemed to bring a fresh sense of loss. Xander didn't think that he'd ever walk into the house on Revello Drive and not expect the petite blonde Slayer to be there.

He knew it was stupid to think that he'd grow old with Buffy. But, even after he gave up the dream of a romantic relationship, there was a part of him that figured that it would be Buffy, Willow, and Xander together forever. In his fantasy, they would grow gray and fat together and someday sit laughing with their dentures out on the porch of the Sunnydale Sunset Retirement Home. It didn't matter that he knew the average life expectancy for a Slayer meant Buffy would never need to worry about hard-to-color grays or assisted living.

And now his life with Anya and Willow's with Tara were in limbo as they struggled to find a way to go on with Buffy. In a way, patrolling helped Xander feel better. It wasn't just that it made him feel useful. It was the animal-like release he felt when he slammed the stake home in a vampire. If he couldn't cry for Buffy, at least he could kill for her. But sometimes Xander needed more. Exactly what he wasn't sure, but he prayed he'd figure out before dusting vamps didn't do it all anymore.

Meanwhile, he'd take some of his aggression out on the half-cord of seasoned wood he reserved for stakes. Pulling up at the house on Revello Drive, Xander saw most of the lights off. He let himself in with a spare key from the flower urn. "Wills! Tara! Dawn!" he called "Anyone home?"

There was no answer, but Xander had the sense that he wasn't alone in the house. The hairs at the nape of his neck prickled as he mounted the stairs. He was halfway up when he heard the moaning. For a split second, Xander's heart raced as he imagined the worst. Then his face split with an ear-to-ear grin as the sounds took on a distinctive rhythm. Just Willow and Tara taking advantage of a night off patrol and Dawn-duty.

Xander tried to walk back downstairs as quietly as he'd gone up. Once he was sure he wouldn't disturb the love-making Wiccans, he headed for the kitchen for a cold drink before he started whittling stakes. To his surprise, the normally tidy kitchen was a mess. It looked as if Willow and Tara had started preparing a meal and then got…distracted. Xander found his own thoughts were diverted by the imagining exactly what that distraction might have entailed. A little sauce spilled where an apron gave way to cleavage. No paper towels or dishcloth handy. Just a lover's pink tongue…

He was started from his reverie by an unexpected crash outside in the yard as if someone had drunkenly kicked over a trashcan. Xander yanked open the backdoor. To his disgust, an obviously inebriated Spike stood there. The two glared at each other for a second, before the blond vampire brushed by Xander and entered the house. "I have GOT to talk to Wills about revoking your permission." Xander muttered.

"Won't work." Spike slurred. "It's a dead person's house, remember. No invite needed."

Xander narrowed his eyes. "You would be callous enough to take advantage of that."

"Callous?" The vampire raised one dark eyebrow. "Oooo, they're teaching you big words down at the brickyard. And I thought the brain shrank when the muscles grew." Spike smirked. "Maybe something else got smaller?" His blue eyes flicked mockingly at Xander's crotch.

The construction worker felt a sudden rush of heat to his face. "What do you want Spike?"

"Just some hemoglobin. Spent all me dosh on drink and now I'm feeling a bit peckish."

Xander's hand jerked toward his neck.

The vampire rolled his eyes. "Not from your sorry carcass, whelp. I always leave a pint or two here." He opened the fridge and stuck his bleached head inside. When it emerged a moment later, Spike was in full game face with fangs stuck in a plump bag of blood.

"Ugh!" Xander backed away. "That's revolting. And how do you always manage to get human blood?"

Spike shrugged and swallowed. "I have me ways," he said mysteriously and went back to sucking. In a few more pulls, the bag was flat and almost empty. The vampire reached into the refrigerator for the other one. He barely had time to pull his leather clad arm back before Xander slammed the fridge door on it.

"Why'd you do that?" Spike complained.

"Cause I can, chip head!" Xander replied. He was determined not to be grossed out by the blond vampire's ill-gotten blood.

Spike weighed the potential pain in disproving the dark-haired human's boast. Then he realized that the one bag of blood had taken the edge off his hunger. Time for more Jack Daniels. The vampire patted one then the other of his leather duster's capacious pockets. "Bugger!' He'd lost the bottle somewhere on the way from Willy's.

Xander watched this with open disgust. A pathetic creature since the Initiative chipped him, the English vampire had deteriorated considerably since Buffy's death. Countless times over the summer, the patrolling Scoobies had come across Spike drunk and/or weeping in odd places all over Sunnydale. He seemed to reserve his remaining shreds of dignity for Dawn's presence and not care what anyone else thought. Even now, the vampire was looking maudlin.

Xander wouldn't care except Dawn did and he knew Buffy for some bizarre reason would have. He sighed and did something extremely painful. He dug in the back pocket of his shorts and extracted his wallet. Thumbing a ten from it, he mentally kicked himself before waving the sawbuck before the vampire's increasingly bleery eyes. "See this, Spike?"

The vampire tilted his white blond head to the side. He blinked slowly. No doubt seeing multiple bills.

"It's enough to get yourself a small cheese pizza or a couple baskets of wings at the Bronze." Xander tried to put a note of concern in his voice. "Do yourself a favor and put something solid in that undead belly of yours before you pass out in the open and wake up at 6 AM in flames."

Spike eyed the ten suspiciously. "Wot strings attached?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "None…wait, no." A smile grew on his face. "Promise you won't come back here tonight until after midnight. Three hours, okay? I'll be gone by then."

"S'deal" the peroxided vamp slurred as he plucked the money from Xander's fingers. He turned to go.

"Thanks wouldn't hurt either," Xander said.

Spike paused in the doorway to make a mocking bow, stumbled a bit, caught his balance, then half fell down the stairs. "M'okay!" he assured Xander as he strolled to the gate. The vampire struggled with the latch a bit, then gave up and hopped over it and headed in the direction of the Bronze.

Xander shook his head and closed the door. He could use a drink himself after that. He wasn't a naturally neat person, so Xander just ignored the disorder in the kitchen as he rummaged around for a clean glass. In searching, he noticed that the sink and counter were piled with dirty mugs still sticky with the dregs of a very familiar brown substance. A stockpot on the stove revealed the source.

"Hot chocolate!" Xander happily exclaimed. The only beverage he held in higher regard than beer. After Spike's little visit, Xander figured he deserved a mug of hot chocolate and a half an hour of Cartoon Network before he started whittling stakes. He turned on the burner and in a few minutes the pot's contents were bubbling hot. Xander located the only clean mug left, a gag-sized one that Buffy bought Joyce for her birthday a few years back. The mug was big enough to hold a half pot of coffee, which was about how much java Joyce downed when she struggled to stay awake while her daughter went out Slaying.

Xander carefully filled the giant mug to the brim with the scalding hot chocolaty drink. To keep it from spilling, he had to slurp it as he carried it into the living room. Though reheated, it was the best hot chocolate he'd ever had. Even better than the time that he added a melted bar of Dove dark chocolate to Swiss Miss. It made him feel deliciously warm and full of vitality. Soon the huge mug was empty and he wanted more.

Another generous helping and then another. The fourth serving came straight from the pot. Xander couldn't understand why he wasn't burning his lips on the hot metal. They did tingle, but in a good way. Kinda like being kissed.

When the pot was empty, Xander put it in the sink and rinsed. His stomach felt so full that he fairly sloshed as he headed back into the living room. He grabbed the remote, kicked off his shows and put his feet up. Time for some tube. But Xander was asleep before he changed the channel.

Xander woke to the sound of maniacal laughter. When he squinted open his eyes, a garishly colored bird threw back its head and laughed again, splitting Xander's skull and scrambling its contents. Woody Woodpecker, Xander thought. Why did I ever think he was funny?

With his head pounding and feeling achy over all, Xander suffered greatly as he tried to turn off the TV. The remote felt odd in his hand, too big and his finger slipped, briefly turning up Woody even louder. Eventually, he managed to press the right button.

By then, he was aware of a new urgency. He had to go to the bathroom really badly. Xander staggered off the couch, noting that ironically his gait matched Spike's earlier. However, his wasn't the result of heavy drinking –a stockpot of hot chocolate aside, Xander hadn't had a drop to drink since dinner. Instead Xander felt as if his body had taken a beating or worked very hard at some arduous physical task. Considering the day's activities, neither was very far from the truth. He'd spent the day lifting two-by-fours and sheetrock panels and then fought the female vamp in the graveyard. Clearly, his sore muscles had stiffened while he lay on the sofa. His chest felt strangely heavy and he wondered if the vamp dust he had inadvertently inhaled was causing at least some of the symptoms.

As Xander walked upstairs to the bathroom, he resolved to do whatever he needed to do to make up with Anya so that he could spend the rest of the night in his own bed.

In the bathroom, he unzipped and reached in. Xander couldn't brag of an organ as big as a baby's arm, but the process seemed to take more searching than his past experience warranted. Frantically, he dropped trou and stared down in horror, visually confronted with the awful truth that his fingers already knew. His cock was gone!

And not just his cock. But his balls as well. They had been replaced with the equivalent female equipment. His hands crept upwards and discovered the corresponding secondary sex characteristics. A nice sized pair at that, but cold comfort for the loss of one's manhood.

Reeling with shock, Xander turned to the mirror. Instead of his ruggedly handsome self, he saw a dark-haired girl staring back at him in disbelief.

Xander stifled a scream. Anya! he thought, Somehow she's done this to me in retaliation for the hormone comment. A part of him knew it was a crazy idea –Anya wasn't a vengeance demon anymore, but what other explanation was there. He was now a she! A s/he! It had to be a curse. Even now, his brain was being flooded with all sorts of girl hormones that could cause crying or bitchiness. Even…omigod…Aunt Flo! The girl in the mirror began to pant heavily from an adrenaline rush. She looked like she'd pass out any minute now.

Just thinking about fainting made Xander lightheaded. S/he put the toilet seat down, closed the lid and sat trembling until he heard footsteps and a giggling promise to be back quickly. Think Harris! Xander shot up and stepped into the bathtub, yanking the shower curtain closed just as Willow entered the bathroom. As he listened to her fill a glass of water at the sink, Xander knew that s/he should come out from hiding and ask for help in reversing the curse. But the words couldn't seem to form. Partly because of a sudden insane worry over what the voice from this new body would sound like.

While Xander hid mute behind the shower curtain, the redheaded witch drank the water, refilled her glass, and left. When s/he heard the bedroom door close, Xander breathed a sigh of relief. S/he hadn't been discovered. Obviously, the thing to do was to go to Anya and beg her forgiveness so that she would take the curse away. Surely, she'd agree if he groveled enough. After all, she enjoyed his male apparatus too much to leave him like this forever. Right?

S/he stepped out of the tub and closed the door. Pausing by the mirror, Xander was confronted again by a female reflection. Now that the initial shock was over, it seemed a good idea to check out the goods so to speak.

This body was both very different and oddly similar. The male Xander's body had had changed dramatically in shape and size, even the hair was longer. But the female Xander's coloring and expressions were unaltered. At 5 foot four and a 120 pounds, s/he could easily pass for Xander's sister.

Of course, Xander hoped that any sister of his wouldn't run around with at least B-cup breasts braless under a t-shirt. The garment might be oversized now on the newly petite body, but every movement made those breasts jiggle. In addition, the slimmer waist made the khaki shorts hang so low on the hips, they were in danger of falling off. Xander doubted that the shoes downstairs would fit either. S/he realized that if s/he was going to go out in the streets of Sunnydale, some new clothes were needed.

S/he crept from the bathroom into Dawn's bedroom. There Xander found his new body's curves were more generous than those of the Summers teen. It was a struggle to find garments that were appropriate. For example, none of Dawn's bras or panties would fit. Xander finally located a slip-like light green cotton dress with a built-in-bra. Judging by the size, it had probably had belonged to Buffy. It would have been both too loose in the bust and too short in length for Dawn.

Once dressed, Xander struggled to put the new body's shoulder length hair into a ponytail. It was harder than it looked, trying to get all the wispy bits at the nape and hairline tucked in. S/he peered into the dresser mirror and was more or less satisfied with the decently dressed, but barefoot young woman reflected there.

There was nothing s/he could do about shoes. Dawn's were too narrow and the discarded ones in the living room would be like canoes. The trip to the apartment would have to be made barefoot. Now Xander just hoped to get downstairs with as little sound as possible for fear of drawing Willow's and Tara's attention.

Xander was nearly downstairs when the front door opened. S/he froze as Spike sauntered in, pocketing the same spare key that Xander had used hours before. Shit! Xander had completely forgotten telling the vampire to come back after midnight. Was it too much to hope that Spike would head straight to the kitchen and his remaining bag of blood?

Sure enough, Spike threw his duster on the sofa and looked toward the kitchen. However, he suddenly stopped and threw back his head to take a deep sniff. He narrowed his eyes, turning around to zero in on the girl standing at the top of the steps.

"And who are you now, pet?" There was a hint of menace in the not-so-drunk-anymore voice.

Xander swallowed. S/he knew Spike was chipped, but this new body reacted to the blond vampire as if he was a threat. At least that was how Xander preferred to interpret the sudden fluttery feeling.

Spike seemed to sense the fear and moved closer. "Yer name, luv?"

Xander thought quickly. "Alexa! Alexa Harris." The voice that emerged was surprisingly pleasing. A rich yet clear mezzo-soprano that would pass without suspicion for a normal female voice.

Certainly Spike didn't seem to think that anything was odd. "Harris, eh?" He raised an eyebrow. "Any relation to Xander Harris?"

"Yes!" Xander replied with relief. "I'm…uh… his cousin."

"Is that so?" Spike continued to edge closer and Xander worried that their conversation would be heard by Willow and Tara. S/he decided to go completely downstairs. It was a poorly thought out idea because at the bottom step, the Spike refused to step aside and Xander was forced to squeeze past the vampire.

Girls' nipples did get hard from fear, right?

"Thing is," Spike drawled, "I've never heard of you."

Xander's mouth opened indignantly. As if Captain Peroxide knew every detail of his life. Still, s/he had no choice but to stay in character as Alexa. S/he tried to smile innocently. "Well, we're not that close because I live in…uh…Ohio."

"Ohio," Spike repeated. "I suppose you're here from a little visit."

Xander nodded.

The vampire appeared unsatisfied. "Odd thing to visit a long lost cousin. Especially havin' the grand reunion at someone else's house."

"Um, I went to Xander's house, but he wasn't home." The female voice was growing higher as if s/he was panicking. Xander took a deep calming breath. "Anya said I could find him here."

The vampire's stare was like a snake trying to facinate a bird. "So, Harris is still here."

Xander thought quickly. "No, um, he went out to grab a six pack of beer. He'll be right back."

Spike digested this. "Other thing is he said he'd clear out 'round midnight. Odd that go on a beer run at 12:15 and leave his pretty cousin here with me alone."

Xander blinked. Spike thinks I'm pretty. The stomach butterflies increased. "Yeah, I guess Xander forgot you were coming back."

"And then there's his car outside. Bit far for a walk to the liquor store."

"Well…I guess he forgot that too."

A ghost of a smile quirked the corners of the blond vampire's mouth. "Yeah, he's regular sieve-head."

Xander pretended not to hear the insult. S/he went to the sofa and dug in the cushions hoping to find the car keys. There were a lot of things tucked in the crevices, but none had the metal shapes or jingle s/he was looking for.

Spike strolled over and sat down all too close. "Going somewhere?"

Xander smiled nervously. "If Xander wouldn't want me alone here with you, I'd better leave. When he comes back, tell him I'm at his apartment." Just then, s/he felt the ring of keys. With a girly cry of triumph, s/he yanked them free. The movement used far more force than necessary and unbalanced Xander. The female body flailed its arms, but would have fallen backwards anyway if a lightly muscled arm hadn't reached out and wrapped itself around Xander's waist. S/he was swept onto Spike's lap.

"Careful." The vampire chided.

Xander didn't need a warning, he immediately sprung up. Or at least he tried to. Spike still had one arm around Xander's waist and the vampire's other arm came across the female body's lap to rest on one trembling thigh.

"Let me go!" Xander cried, flushing. The female body's voice might be protesting, but the rest of it was clearly enjoying the solid male one beneath it. The feeling, it soon became clear, was enthusiastically returned. Xander could clearly feel Spike's arousal through the thin cotton dress and the vampire's black denim jeans. Freaked out, he tried to wriggle loose. The struggle only increased Spike's enjoyment. "Unhand me!" Xander cried out like a heroine in some Victorian melodrama.

The vampire gave a low, dark laugh. "Not a chance. There's some holes in your story, luv and you'll sit right here until they're filled in or the whole thing unravels."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Xander protested. His male mind grew increasingly alarmed at the effect Spike was having on his female body. Clearly all the talk about the brain being the dominant sexual organ was a big joke. His brain was definitely not in control. If it was, this body's breasts wouldn't be aching to be touched, there wouldn't be a growing feeling of wetness between the thighs.

"The dress yer wearin' belongs to a friend o'mine." The vampire snarled.

Xander opened his mouth to protest.

"Don't lie. I can smell her on the fabric."

"I…um…spilled something on my own clothes." Xander stammered. "My cousin suggested I borrow something from the girls who live here."

Spike narrowed his eyes. "You're lying. I can smell that on you, too. " He leaned closer, took a deep sniff. "You've been lying since I came in the door."

Xander couldn't speak. Besides not knowing what to say, he was aware that his female body was becoming painfully aroused. Xander was afraid that if s/he said anything at all it would be a request to be taken hard right there on the sofa. Damn! Why couldn't this body be a lesbian?

"I could torture it out of you," Spike whispered into Xander's ear. S/he knew he couldn't. The vampire was chipped after all. Anything he did to hurt Xander would bring excruciating pain. Surely, the jackhammer inside his head would force him to let go and then Xander would be able to get away. S/he relaxed. But after a moment, it became clear that Spike's torture plans didn't include pain.

The vampire was nuzzling Xander's neck. Never, ever in a million years would Xander Harris have thought that he'd find Spike's mouth on his neck pleasurable. In fact, the part that was Xander still thought it was bone-chilling. But Alexa, the female body, clearly enjoyed it. Little gasps of pleasure came from her mouth and s/he arched her neck to give him better access. As if pushed by an invisible hand, Xander's thighs fell apart and s/he felt an irresistible urge to pull Spike's hand there.

Spike didn't need an invitation. His right hand slid beneath the thin cotton. "Ahhh, no knickers," he purred and then he did something that took Xander's breath away. The female body shuddered and threw an arm around the vampire's neck.

"Oh, you like that, you little minx." Spike teased. Then his mouth came down on Xander's open one. Spike tasted of whiskey and cigarettes and his tongue was cool, but the result was electrifying. Xander's female body issued a Declaration of Sexual Independence from the male brain. In control, Alexa returned the kiss fully, hungry for Spike's touch, bucking under his ministrations between her thighs.

The female body protested when Spike broke the kiss and lifted Xander off his lap. But the movement was only to change their positions. Xander found himself beneath the vampire with the dress rucked up so that all that lay between them was Spike's denim jeans. The vampire pressed himself against the bare female sex teasingly as he pulled down the top of the dress revealing Xander's breasts. Spike ran his left hand over them roughly to make the nipples even harder. They were poker hard and enormous.

"Suck them please!" Xander heard Alexa cry out. The vampire oblidged. Xander felt something like a growing electrical current from breasts to the core of the body he wore. Each flick of Spike's tongue made it surge powerfully. Xander was dimly aware that Alexa's hands were beginning to wander. They gripped the vampire's taut buttocks, driving his denim-clad erection against that throbbing spot again and again. The friction was unbearably pleasurable. The female body felt as if a giant wave was crashing into it as s/he cried out rhythmically.

Spike grinned and unzipped his jeans. Xander looked down at the organ in the vampire's hand. It was large, larger than expected and s/he wondered how it could possibly fit inside the petite female body. As it turns out there wasn't much time to worry about it. S/he saw a gleam of pre-cum on the head, then Spike thrust. Xander felt his Alexa-flesh stretch, but there was no pain. Just a feeling of incredible pressure that set off a new round of exquisite contractions. Mind hazy with pleasure, Xander remembered that girls could do that. Cum again and again. The anticipation of more orgasms made the female body moan.

The vampire took that as a signal to proceed. He moved slowly at first, clearly enjoying the way the flesh surrounding around him adjusted with each stroke. Once things were slick enough to ensure no discomfort, Spike picked up the pace and Xander felt the female body instinctively rock its hips in response. With their combined efforts, each thrust was harder and deeper than the last. As another cataclysm loomed, Xander's legs wrapped around Spike's waist to enhance the penetration. S/he gasped and heard a roaring in the ears as the vampire achieved his own release.

Spike, as it happened, was fond of a post-coital cigarette. The smoke was making the eyes of Xander's female body water and s/he wanted to ask him to put it out. But that would entail actually speaking to the vampire which was something that Xander never ever wanted to do again irregardless of the body he wore.

His current body was in a state that horrified Xander. It was sore and sticky and utterly satisfied. He was certain that Alexa had that dewy look in her eyes that Anya wore in the afteglow of a particularly good roll in the hay.

Just when Xander didn't think things could get any worse, s/he heard footsteps on the stairs. There was barely time to pull Spike's disgarded duster over his head before Willow and Tara came running downstairs.

They were holding hands and laughing the way lovers do when they've spent the day in bed. The two witches were so wrapped up in one another that they didn't notice immediately that they had guests. They were also quite naked.

Spike quickly noted that neither girl used a colorist then chivalrously cleared his throat.

"Lady!" Willow exclaimed. Her hands flew to cover her naughty bits only to find that Tara had beaten her to the punch and clothed them both magickally.

Her dignity preserved, the redhead demanded an explanation. "Spike! What are you doing here?"

"Just getting acquainted with Alexa." Spike smirked.

"Who?" both Wiccas chourused.

"Xander's cousin." The vampire explained. He patted the rear end sticking out from the duster.

"But Xander doesn't…Uwghff!" Willow rubbed her side where Tara had elbowed her in the ribs. She gave her girlfriend a puzzled look. The blonde fought not to smile, "Honey, with everything that happened this afternoon I forgot to tell you that Xander said his cousin was passing through town. Unfortunately, she can't stay for more than a half a day at most. Right, Alexa?"

There was muffled assent from beneath the duster where Xander was struggling to make sure his female body's breasts were decently tucked back into the bra top of the dress.

"In fact, she'll be leaving early in the morning." Tara continued. "I bet you've had a hard journey, Alexa. You'd better go up to bed. Remember Dawn won't be home tonight so you can sleep in her bed."

Xander kept his eyes averted as s/he slunk from the room. As s/he mounted the stairs, s/he heard Tara's voice inside his brain. "Don't worry, Xander. You drank an elixir that Willow and I made. It's just temporary. You'll have your male body back by morning." Xander sagged against the wall in relief. Tara's disembodied voice continued, teasing. "Hope you had fun!"


End file.
